


Jeeves and the Forbidden Vice

by pqlaertes



Category: Jeeves and Wooster
Genre: Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:30:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pqlaertes/pseuds/pqlaertes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeeves has been warned about this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jeeves and the Forbidden Vice

"Well, Jeeves, this is simply the limit. I've allowed your sartorial red pen across my socks and trousers, I've respected your veto on the matter of chimpanzees as pets, I've bowed to your expertise on the subjects of vacation destinations and automobile mechanics, but this time you have crossed the bally line. You may imagine that just because you were correct about Bobbie Wickham and Gwladys Pendlebury and Florence Craye that I've decided to buckle entirely and let you police my amatory prospects, but, and you may note this down as your employer's final word on the matter, it shall not be so. I'll kiss any bally girl I bally well like."

"I apologize if I have overstepped myself, sir." Jeeves is an excellent fellow, but he lacks chagrin of any description; I periodically attempt to supply him with some but it never takes.

"Isobel will never speak to me again, you realize. And her father will make me pay for what your bally rottweiler did to that portrait. I'll take that out of your packet, Jeeves."

"As you wish, sir. Although the animal is not in fact mine, but that of Mr. Wranbley."

"Horace Wranbley's pooch?"

"Yes sir. Mr. Wranbley being Miss Dorington's erstwhile fiancée."

There's a feeling that comes over one when one is told that Stiffy Bing has ruined some poor blighter's summer, or Bingo Little has fallen for some girl he glimpsed for a split second in the park, or Aunt Agatha is irritated at young Bertram; this feeling is the precise opposite of surprise. At this moment, I experienced said feeling most strongly. "Jeeves, you've been setting the course of true love straight again, haven't you?"

"I fear so sir."

"It's become a positive vice with you. Going to be your downfall if you're not careful. I hate to think of you going the way of my uncle Harold and the rabbits... Truly Jeeves, I shudder to imagine where this obsession might lead -- I picture you haunting the doorways of pubs at midnight, haggard and gaunt, looking for young swains to unite with the maids of their bosoms. This must not be, Jeeves."

"I will endeavor to resist the temptation henceforth, sir."

"To hear it does my heart good, Jeeves, but we are still left with the trouble that thanks to your -- is machinations the word I'm looking for? -- thanks to your machinations, I'm once again deprived of a winsome lass to tickle."

"Sir -- "

"I had my very heart set on it Jeeves. A gentleman of my sensitive nature requires at least the occasional application of the soft hand and the adoring eye."

"Yes sir."

"Well, you'll have to take care of it, Jeeves."

"Sir?"

"It's your fault, after all."

"Sir, are you suggesting that I am to go out and find a lady suitable for a dalliance with yourself?"

"Good lord no, Jeeves. What I mean is, it will have to be your own soft h. and adoring e." This was, perhaps, putting too blunt a face on the thing, as I'd never yet broached the matter aloud before. Half the fellows I knew in London relied on their valets -- these being far inferior chaps to Jeeves by any estimation -- for the lessening of the masculine tension, but I had never made the demand before myself. Nevertheless, there had been not a few tender moments in the time of my domesticity with Jeeves, and I expected further demonstrations to be no more than a word away.

Jeeves visibly twanged, which was something to see. "I could not possibly, sir."

"No, Jeeves?" I was hurt, honestly. I'd imagined Jeeves devotion to me to stretch much farther than this. In fact, I'd rather been betting on warm enthusiasm.

"No, sir, I could not. It would be to renege on a promise made to yourself."

"Jeeves, whatever are you talking about?"

"Not two minutes ago, sir, I did vow to you that I would resist a certain temptation, should I encounter it again."

The Wooster heart was touched. In fact, the Wooster heart began to beat like that bird of powerful wing one reads about in the applicable literature. "Jeeves, do you mean to say that... _this_ would be a giving-in-to of that particular weakness of yours?"

Jeeves can be a brave as a tiger; I could never have looked so fearlessly into another fellow's eyes as he looked into the Wooster ocular array. "A positive revelment in that vice, sir."

At that moment, I promised in the silence of my heart half my kingdom in gratitude to Horace Wranbley's rottweiler. Imagine if that animal had not intervened and I had ended the day with nothing more than the caresses of Isobel Dorington (a sweet girl, but now seen as a decidedly second-rate prospect) rather than this miracle! I endeavored to be half so brave as the marvelous fellow before me. "Jeeves, I wonder if you've heard of Dr. Glossop's theory on how to rid oneself of a dangerous vice?"

"That one should give in to it fully, sir, and at the expense of all else?"

"That's the blighter. I thought we might try it with you."

"Very good sir."

 

 

=2002=


End file.
